Some things loom large in my mind and heart both before and after an event; some bring home pain, others an affirmation of the positive image of one’s place in the world.
WFC is one of the few events that has become both for me.
Last year I had been in a hard place, desperate. This year I came with experience, a bit of a strategy and a desire to have as much fun as I could while keeping true to myself.
I have a few t-shirts that are rather offensive. I wore all of them at WFC.
Thursday evening I went to the bar wearing one of the more offensive. I drank a bit, and made a new friend through coarse humor and a careful restraint: I say much that can offend, but try very hard to avoid ever giving a person reason to feel the victim of my humor.
I, perhaps too often, joke that I am the Evil One.
Certainly Friday night I did so at great length and with delicious pleasure: I found myself a nexus of dark, ribald humor, the laughter of friends old and new caressing my ego with a lover’s touch. I was, for lack of a better term, on.
My old friend was with me, riffing a sweet counterpoint and chorus to my shenanigans.
One of the new friends, having seen me the night prior, confessed that he’d pegged me as an asshole on seeing me. I brought him into my orbit, discovering a like-mindedness. We wended our way through the evening with a rather odd but successful coordination of humor.
Another, a young man of particularly solemn mien, watched my act with the horrified agony of one being forced to observe the slow-motion wreck of a train carrying his valuables. Earlier in the day I had asked if he only smiled when he came, and he’d startled me by pulling an hilarious face I can only describe as the very incarnation of the male orgasm face. Later, I saw him walking through and called out to him, putting on my own version of the expression. Stopping dead, he shook his head. Later he approached, watched shook his head in wonder at the nonsense I was spewing. It seemed he was unable to depart my orbit for more than a few minutes despite my repellent behavior.
Later it became a running gag between us to call out to the other and flip the bird.
There were many points where the people seated with me laughed hard and long. My friends and I brought them that, allowed them the grace to chuckle and laugh at themselves and me.
I myself developed quite a headache from laughing till I deprived my brain of oxygen.
Why, you may ask yourself, did I act in this fashion?
I did it for a number of reasons:
I did it because I love engaging all my faculties in the exercise of what little wit I possess, thoroughly enjoying the interplay of mine with that of others, the observing of rapid changes of expression as the patter of my sickness slides into their brains and registers on their minds.
I did it to prove to myself that I can be fearless; that nothing but the moment is important, if you can make it so.
I did it to see the blush of rose bloom on the cheek of a beautiful woman who would not otherwise look at me twice; to be able to say: I made that happen.
I did it to sear an image of me into the brains of these artists, these people that I so desperately wish to be welcomed and accepted by, even if only as their court jester.
I did it because I cannot, not ever, do it at my day job. Like many others, I am refused the right to say what I think. It wears on me; the heavy load of words unspoken, of anger and humor unspent, making of me an unhappy and irritable soul.
I do it because I am,
The Ranting Griffin